Do the wrong thing: Dragon Age: Origins

Two things before I start. One, "Do the wrong thing" is blatantly ripped off of a series of articles posted by editors and community members over at Destructoid. I liked the idea, so I decided to do one for myself (granted what I'm about to write is about as far removed from the article I linked that remotely possible) even though I don't have a Dtoid community blog - because god forbid someone actually reads my shitty writing. Two, SPOILER WARNING. Seriously, I am going to spoil Dragon Age: Origins hardcore here, if you haven't played it and plan on playing it - TURN BACK NOW. You have been warned.

Note: I'm a little foggy on how some of this went down. After all, I can't be expected to remember all 86 hours of the game I just spent an entire month on. So some of what I say might be incorrect. Bear with me.

I played through Dragon Age: Origins as a male Human noble. Thus, I felt it was appropriate to fuck everything with a pulse that would let me near it. What does that have to do with being a Human noble? I dunno, just seemed like a good idea.

Yet the first female who joins your party - Morrigan - quickly became my favorite character. I decided that if possible, this would be the character that I "get with". It wasn't hard getting into some sort of a relationship with her, despite trying to play a "good" character, Morrigan is still so god damn easy to get into her panties that you just need to kick a puppy (not literally) once and she's wet and ready. After we boned though, I kept building up my affinity with her until the point where she was in love with me. At this point she didn't want to have sex anymore. A bit boring, but not like I was missing out by not watching the awkward sex scenes over and over again.

So only a few hours into the game and I was already in like flynn with the coolest character in the game. I'm set right? Well...

Of course at this time Leliana had joined the party, and I was interested in shacking up with her. But that nut was a little harder to crack. See, Leliana is all holy and righteous, and what not. So she's not going to spread her legs for just any Grey Warden. So for a time I remained faithful to Morrigan...

...then Zevran showed up. He's like Morrigan with a dick, and pointy ears. Tell him what a handsom Elf he is and he's ready to grab the KY. Now before I picked the dialog option to go back to Zevran's tent with him, I considered Morrigan's feelings for a moment. And then decided she would probably be cool with it. I mean, she seems pretty morally bankrupt as it is. How could she deny me an experimental experience with a strapping young Elf? Well...

... we fucked. Zevran seemed to like it, but obviously this was going to be a one night stand. I tried a little Dalish sausage and had my fill. Time to go check back in with Morrigan. Uh - oh. She was NOT happy about this. However it seems like I could salvage the relationship by breaking it off with Zev. No sweat, he was just a phase. Gotta keep my eye on the prize...

...then I went to the whore house in Denerim and slept with every man, woman, and nug in the joint. However Morrigan didn't seem to mind any of it...

... then Leliana got the hots for me. However this girl was no fool. She knew that I had something going with Morrigan, and she wasn't about to commit to a relationship (or fucking) until I broke it off with Claudia Black - I mean Morrigan.

So it was at this point that I thought to myself: "Man, I really like the idea of hooking up with Morrigan, but I've pretty much stuck my dick in everything in Ferelden at this point, including Leliana's pet nug "Schmooples". I'll just strictly romance Morrigan on another playthrough." So I tell Leliana that it's over between Morrigan and I. - Bad decision #1.

We have some awkward sex, then the girl is positively smitten with me. Of course when I go talk to Morrigan she wants to know who it's going to be. I let her know that it's Leliana for me, and then that's it. That's the end of Morrigan and me. No longer could I get into a relationship with her, no more awkward sex either. We were just - friends.

At this point I had made my bed, so I might as well lie in it. It was all Leliana all the time, totally dedicated. No more bisexual Elf boys, no more "Women" at the Pearl, none of it. I was dedicated, a real gentlemen...

...That was until I learned that I could become the fucking King. Now, at this point in the game you have three options available to you. You can either let your good buddy and fellow Grey Warden, Alistar become the rightful King to the throne. You can let the current Queen remain in power by her lonesome. Or you can marry the Queen and claim the title of "King" as your own. However - this option is only available to male Human nobles. So I decided this was my one shot at doing this, I hadn't even met the Queen yet, but I was going to do it. - Bad decision #2.

After rescuing the Queen from imprisonment I spring this plan on her. that I want to be her hubby and rule along side her. She's cool with it, just so long as she holds most of the power. Wait - what? So I'm just going to be a King in name? I won't actually rule the Kingdom? I'll just be this power hungry bitch's husband? I won't even be wearing the pants in this "relationship"? Yeah, cool. Let's do it.

Of course the next time I'm at camp talking to Leliana she is done with me too. So now I had thrown away my relationship with the chick I left Morrigan for, a girl I didn't even really like in the first place, for a woman I like even less. Way to go hero.

So now I've denied myself the woman I wanted to be with, and her replacement. I've even denied Ferelden their rightful King, my good buddy Alistar. And am going to enter a no-love marriage just so I can't even rule the Kingdom. Wonderful. Well, let's ride this out until the end. What else could go wrong?

Well, how about on the evening before the final battle I'm told that either Alistar or myself have to die to slay the evil Archdemon causing this whole mess? Then I'm propositioned by Morrigan to have sex with her again, but this time just so that I can impregnate her so we can conceive a child that will be used in some bat shit insane dark ritual to spare mine and Alistar's life. Sounds like a plan!

So we kill the Archdemon. Where does that leave us?

Well, my love interest Morrigan disappear into the wilds with my bastard demon spawn child never to be seen from again. Leliana goes back to her homeland to hook up with her lesbian lover. And I get stuck with some boring ass Queen who's going to rule the Kingdom instead of me.

I done fucked up.